Powerful paragraph

Last week my class did a warm up by doing a description piece of writing that can only be the size of a paragraph. We get a photo and once we are done describing the photo the best we can, we volunteer to read our paragraph out loud to get feed back (what was good about the writing) and feed forward ( what we can try make a bit better next time)

Here is my writing
I could hear the floorboards creaking. It was getting closer as much as I wanted it to go further away from me. I am worried it is going to gobble me up. I bend down on my arms and knees when a salty tear runs down my check, I want my fierce teddy bear crew to join me on my mission. But as I checked it was only Mr. Bear under the bed playing with his teddy friends.